Wow, I can’t believe it’s finally come to an end.
You know, if someone had told me last autumn that a year from then I’d be building games, I’d tell them: What? How do you know me? Why are you also in Hong Kong? Are you studying abroad, too? (mandatory study abroad mention)
It’s always been a dream of mine to create games, and although CS 247G gave me the tools to start thinking about games critically, this course has allowed me to enchant these tools with Mending, Efficiency, Fortune, and so many more. Something clicked during this course. Maybe it was the 6th late night in CoDA with Butch, or the 4th time I accidentally stopped petting Nina because Christina and I were locked in conversation, or the 10th hour of staring at the ceiling of Brydie and Ryan’s apartment trying desperately to figure out how to make LOVEBUG work, but somewhere along the way my perception — perspective, if you’re a fellow Conclave-head — completely changed. Even towards the end of 247G, I would often find myself struggling to incorporate course concepts into write-ups or critical plays, looking back and beating myself up for not thinking of how I could’ve added another element of narrative architecture, talked about another type of fun, mentioned loops and arcs while discussion addiction…
But now? After so much thinking, after so many instances of Butch telling us “you should include that in your write-up,” after so much discussion, I’ve realized that we now simply speak the language of game design. Gone are the days that I need to remind myself of these concepts, they simply — are. When I ask Butch and Christina questions about games I’m working on, I feel a kind of flow state as we talk in a language I never knew I had the ability to learn. The little Butch on my shoulder (you can decide which shoulder) is constantly whispering in my ear, reminding me of everything I’ve learned and everything I need to keep in mind, encouraging me to include this one last detail or this one sentence to fully incorporate a course concept, fully round out an idea, fully engage a playtester.
And now it’s over. I mean, it’s never fully over. I’m definitely considering independent study, or working on my own (btw if you’re interested in Conclave shoot me an email I’d be more than happy to add you to the doc/GitHub). But as I reflect on what I’ve learned, as I recount to friends and family what I’ve done, a familiar itch creeps on the nape of my neck — the itch to teach. After having seen how engaging and rewarding teaching CS 377G has been for both Butch and Christina, it’s impossible for me to not want to feel the same way. I cannot imagine what it was like to watch us go from stubborn but willing playtesters of strange, broken games in 1A to the confident, well-oiled note-taking and iterating machines of 10B. Butch and Christina must be the proudest parents in the world.
My siblings are into games, too. Really, all my friends and family are into games — if I’m in your life, not a day will pass that I don’t try to introduce you to Root or Arcs or Magic or, slightly begrudgingly, base Catan (Explorers and Pirates is the only way to enjoy that accursed game and I will die on this hill). With these tools and the time I have over this upcoming break, I can’t wait to sit down with them and share with them all I’ve learned and all the encouragement that was shared with me to just start creating anything. I’ve had the idea for Conclave for a while — well before the film of the same name even came out (but not before the book, I was like 14 in 2016), but only through all that was shared with me was I really able to start creating. And now I want to give back to anyone that will listen, screaming it from my apartment window if need be.
The final theme I wanted to reflect on is the one I’ve had the toughest time learning, but it wasn’t a course concept and it certainly wasn’t in the syllabus. Throughout this course, I’ve had to force myself to learn how to be truly satisfied with your work. P2 was especially brutal for this, as I spent many sleepless nights completely forgoing my “real” aero/astro problem sets to continue ideating and writing and iterating for the first version of Conclave. After I had submitted my P2, I felt almost sick to my stomach because, as always, I thought that I had overscoped, overpromised, and critically underdelivered. However, after conversations with Butch, my peers, my playtesters, and friends back home, I realized that this was nowhere near the case. I had created, designed, and iterated something into being that didn’t exist before, and there’s inherent value and beauty in that. Of course, this didn’t make me complacent or to give up on working as hard on the subsequent P3 and P4 — if anything I spent even more time ideating during P3 to figure out how to make the email system actually work. It simply gave me the perspective to appreciate what I had done, be satisfied with it, and use this energy to encourage me to push forward.
From the bottom of my heart I cannot thank everyone in this course enough. You’ve all been incredible playtesters, teachers, coaches, critics, and friends, and I hope we all continue building amazing and beautiful things in the future. To answer one of the questions from our infamous peer feedback form — What’s one thing I want us to keep doing? Creating.
